To pee or not to pee...

Paul Mccartney,Jerry Springer,Tom Thumb,Laloo Prasad Yadav,the average Tom,Dick or Harry and even you dear reader have been in this desperate,spine chilling,nerve-jangling,rib tickling(no sorry not that one...certainly not that)situation before.Or so i presume.Oh c'mon,don't deny it now,of course you know what i am talking bout,right?Chances are it has happened to you in a crowded bus,while in a serious board meeting,meeting your girl-friend/boy-friend in a lonely spot at the neighbourhood park- yes folks it rears it's ugly head(no pun intended,dirty minds stop thinking!)and comes upon you suddenly,when you are least suspecting.* well actualy to be honest it doesn't happen that way and you have to be a really indecisive,moronic,blundering fool(like me off course) to be caught in this potentially threatning(you bet) situation!* Yes it's that old feeling of putting your bladder muscles to the ultimate test,that makes you sweat,makes you curse,makes you pray and forces you to keep more than just an eye out,in search of the nearest loo!Yeah,now it's all coming back to you folks right,didn't i tell you that you can all relate to this post? So now that i have 'softened' you guys up with fond (who am i kidding!) memories i'll tell you all about my little hair-raising experience...
...It was a dark and stormy night [it was 7 in the evening and it really was raining! * finally i have managed to use "It was a dark and stormy night" now only "they lived happily ever after" and "Once upon a time,in a land far,far away" are left when i'll use them both,the horrid curse will be lifted from this blog and i'll have thousands of visitors here!(staring misty eyed at the distant horizon)*] and because of the stormy-night bit,i left the cofee shop in a bit of a hurry,coz i live in a land far,far away (Yeahhhh,i am on a roll)and it takes me about two hours to get there.I boarded the bus that would take me home,managed to find a seat,sat down looked out of the window,saw people getting drenched in the rain,patted my self on the back for showing rare foresight and carrying an umbrella and then settled down. Pitter...Patter...Tip...Tip...Jhom...Jhom...the rain pounded the windows as the bus crept along the slippery road...there was some thing very unsettling about the rain...it kept a constant rhythm...Pitter...Patter...it made me nervous,it made me sweat...Pitter...Patter...the water was rising,streets would soon be water logged...Pitter...Patter..."Oh My God"...it hit me then..."Jesus bloody Christ,I gotta pee!!!!"
I cursed myself and i cursed myself.I cursed myself a little more,for forgetting to use the loo at the cofee shop.Then i cursed the darned cofee and it's other liquid relatives that i had consumed throughout the evening.But soon enough i realised all the cursing would not help me in any way,i still had to pee or had to find a way to not pee before reaching home."I had ice-cream.It melts in the stomach,doesn't it?It MELTS...nooooooooo" Then i cursed a little more.The rain refused to cease,my urge to urinate refused to cease,but thankfully,at least for the timebeing,the bladder muscles refused to yield.The battle was on...i looked at my watch and calculated...it would take me another 45 minutes to reach home...the odds were against me...
...I tried to distract myself,they say, that's the first thing one should do in a situation like this.So i thought about the eventful evening i had,i thought about the wonderful friends i have,i i thought about myself and then inevitably i cursed myself.I lowered the window,the rain had eased off considerably.I looked outside and there it was,on the opposite foot path...the forbidden fruit - a public urinal...it was dirty,it reeked,it was pan-stained and it wouldn't really offer much privacy to the user,coz the sides off the cubicle were all but gone...yet it gave me hope...it drew me to itself...like video cameras drawing Paris Hilton...i shifted uneasily in the seat and thought about jumping down from the moving bus,crossing the water logged street,not to forget avoid getting hit by the onrushing traffic,and then urinating in probably the dirtiest loo in the whole goddamn city,that to infront of the lustful (ahem...there are such people you know.)eyes of random strangers..."To be,or not to be,that is the question-whether it's nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,or to take up arms against a sea of troubles,"whispered an inner voice..."Damn you inner voice,i might me indecisive and a little moronic but i am not outright stupid,all the moving,jerking and running around before reaching the urinal would be 'too much' for me!"I lifted up the window pane and shut out the world and all it's temptations.
20 odd minutes before i reach home.The bus was getting quite crowded,people getting on were drenched,water dripped from their bodies...drip...drip...i was far from comfortable and had ceased all movements a little earlier,i had that determined look in my eyes,the look that you usually associate with professional ice-hockey players,i gnashed my teeth like WWE wrestlers,i tried to forget the existential dilemma i was caught up in and tried to sing...i started to hum "Across the Universe"(why that i don't know)..."...like endless rain in a paper cup..."-it was making things worse,besides,the 'jai guru deva' chants meant,people were showering undue attention on me,which in my present predicament was not such a good idea especially if any mishaps occured,if you know what i mean.I tried to think of something funny yet impossible.( to give myself some hope,positive thinking never hurt anyone right?)So i thought about Sourav Ganguly returning to the Indian ODI side and scoring three centuries on the trot,then i got carried away as usual,i pictured him celebrating - he was wearing a red body-suit with matching red goggles in place and dancing!(much like the Oompa Loompas in Charlie and the Chocolate factory)But then it all went horribly wrong,Ganguly started singing a revised version of The Beatles number,"Why don't we do it in the road"..."Why don't you do it in the road...No one will be watching you...,"chanted the leather clad former Indian skipper,while shaking a leg,i panicked big time!
I have to get off on the next stop,so i am almost there.I stood up ( actually i was crouching forward a lot more than usual.)i was clutching my umbrella...the conductor politely asked,"Ki babu,pet baetha korche?"..."Uh huh"...i mumbled back...the bus stop was within sight...the street lights were glowing brightly...the streets were muddy...the bus slowed...i took a small shuffling step forward...1 small step for man,1 giant leap for a brimming urinary bladder...yet i got off the bus safely and showed previously unheard of resolve,to walk for 5 minutes,and finally reached home,brushed aside my mother at the gate and shot off (shuffled off,to be more precise) to the toilet.
It was a real close shave for me on that dark and stormy night,but not all can show such grit and determination in the face of such adversities,so if you want to live happily ever after (Yesssssssssssssss,kiss my ass dark lord of blogdom,the curse has been lifted,visitors will now flock to my blog,"id didididididi dai" * that was an Irish drinking song,man i love the Irish.*)sans public humiliation and nicknames like 'wet-pants Willy' always remember that,when a man's gotto 'go',he's gotta go!
So just do it!