Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Monday, December 19, 2005
Run You Bastard,Run
Just the other day The Annual Sports Meet was held in my good old school.Brought back a lot of memories...fierce 'inter-house' rivalries,cut-throat competion,blood & sweat,survival of the fittest?Well not exactly.Memories of trying to bring the guy marching in front of you(during the march-past that is)down with a well aimed kick to the ankle(extra points and 'glory' gained if you also successfully managed to get the guy's foot out of his shoe...if you know what i mean.),digging a hole in the ground and playing mini-golf(you use your index fingure as your club and a marble or any circular object that rolls on the ground as the ball and you generally follow normal golfing rules *which by the way very few of us actually knew,but what the heck!*)while dedicated people went for their 100 metre and broad-jump heats.
The rivalry between the four houses,hugely innovatively named Red,Blue,Green and Yellow was truly fearsome.Eye-contact with members of rival houses was generally avoided,swear words and rude hand gestures were used instead.The best athletes,led life under tremendous pressure and fear as legend had it that some of their likes were prone to dissapear without any trace what so ever,before the big day.Boys spoke in hushed voices,the tug-o-war teams ate enormous amounts,trash talking was a common phenomenon,official 'flag-wavers' commanded enormous respect...the atmosphere during the heats and the practice sessions itself was electric.Teachers assigned to their respective houses were always under humungous pressure to deliver,pep-talks(ala P.K. Banerjee) were common,Shiv Khera's You Can Win was brandished after every 5 mins,secret bets were placed,money was at stake,reputations were on the line.So naturally the daily announcement of points during the build up to D-Day was greeted with hoops of joy and even more swear words.As a rule,in DBL,Red House always won everything.Allegations of favouritism and Fathers being communist were raised every year but as always the sparks of revolution from the other houses were always extinguished easily,by further deduction of points.As a rule,in DBL,losers like me were always placed in Blue House.Quite naturally Blue House finished last in evey race,every year.Occassional victories of Blue House athletes,immediately raised questions and allegations of performance enhansing drugs,but usually it was a threat from a certain teacher "If you do not win this race,i will make sure that you fail in my paper,this year,boy!"that did the trick,for us Blues.Blue House does hold the record though,for being the most disciplined House,for 7 consecutive years,once again the secret being our inherent laziness to cheer or shout slogans or even swear,for lets face it,we rarely had people from our House contesting on the final day.
The Final Day was a always a really colourful occassion.Parents whose wards were in Red House started to congratulte themselves in advance and got the cameras ready to capture the moments of glory.People like my parents(and other people related to Blue House,in any way) never went to watch me on the big day,the shame,the taunts,the loser chants was always too much for them to bear.But i used to keenly follow all the races,on the Final Day,my favourites being the obstacle race and of course the sack race.I always thought the guys participating in these two events had a masochistic streak in them.Why else would a person endure grazed knees and elbows,while trying to crawl under a bench,jump through tyres or climb make-shift walls?The futility of the whole exercise never occurred to them or to the hoards of cheering boys.Same applies for the sack race!What went on inside those rather dirty looking sacks,i never knew.But quite remarkably,all the squiglling and jumping actually helped the contestants to move forward.And when they tripped over on those sacks,boy that was a sight to see,falling face first,quite literally biting the dust!
P.S. In class 3 Ziggetyzoo had come 2nd in one of the heats of the 200mtrs,resulting in him being alloted the reserve runner position for the Finals.All the bastards had turned up,Ziggetzoo had bought the white shorts(all participants had to wear white shorts on the Final day),he had high hopes of competing and WINNING,he never got the chance to show his 'Maruti' like speed,he was dissapointed and had cried.He never wore those white shorts again.8 years later Ziggetyzoo watched Forrest Gump,his 'running' hopes have been renewed,he needs a pair of white shorts...and no, pink hotpants are NOT an option!
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Working Class Hero
"Lend me your ears and i'll sing you a song"-With a Little Help From My Friends
"It is for others to judge. I am doing it. I do. I don't stand back and judge -- I do." - John Lennon
"I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together"-I am the Walrus
"You make your own dream. That's the Beatles' story, isn't it? That's Yoko's story. That's what I'm saying now. Produce your own dream. If you want to save Peru, go save Peru. It's quite possible to do anything, but not to put it on the leaders and the parking meters. Don't expect Jimmy Carter or Ronald Reagan or John Lennon or Yoko Ono or Bob Dylan or Jesus Christ to come and do it for you. You have to do it yourself. That's what the great masters and mistresses have been saying ever since time began. They can point the way, leave signposts and little instructions in various books that are now called holy and worshiped for the cover of the book and not for what it says, but the instructions are all there for all to see, have always been and always will be. There's nothing new under the sun. All the roads lead to Rome. And people cannot provide it for you. I can't wake you up. You can wake you up. I can't cure you. You can cure you." - John Lennon
"With our love,we could save the world,if they only knew."-Within you,Without you
"If everyone demanded peace instead of another television set, then there'd be peace." - John Lennon
"A crowd of people stood and stared,they'd seen his face before..."-A Day In the Life
"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream." - John Lennon
"I know nobody can do no harm,because,happiness is a warm gun,mamma."-Happiness is a Warm Gun
"You don't need anybody to tell you who you are or what you are. You are what you are!" - John Lennon
"you may say I am a dreamer, but I am not the only one, I hope some day,you'll join us, And the world will live as one."
"I don't believe in killing whatever the reason!" - John Lennon
"And in the end,the love you take,is equal to the love you make."-The End
"Guilt for being rich, and guilt thinking that perhaps love and peace isn't enough and you have to go and get shot or something."-1980 - John Lennon
"If you wanna be a hero,well,just follow me."-Working Class Hero
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Thank you Keano
The impossible has finally happened,the name Roy Keane will no longer appear on the Manchester United team sheets,ever.The man who had first set foot on the hallowed turf at the Theatre of Dreams way back in 1993(made his debut on August 7,1993 against Arsenal in the Charity Shield),after choosing Man Utd from among a host of other clubs,for a then record fee 3.75 million pounds,has left on November 18th,2005 as a true modern day legend.The hard-tackling,terrier like play in the heart of United's midfield had earned 'Keano',the respect of the Old Trafford faithful almost immediately.The love affair that had started way back then continued season after season,with Keane making his commanding presence felt,in the newly established premiership.The Irishman forged a strong bond with his Manager, the great Sir Alex Ferguson,the two strong willed,determined fighters were destined to lead United during their decade long domination of English football.
In his twelve years at United,Roy Keane accumulated 7 premiership medals,the Champions League in 99 (though he missed the final,due to a suspension),an intercontinental cup and 4 F.A. cups but to fans like me Keano was never about simply winning trophies or making money.The desire to win and the hard work thus required was in built in Roy.The crunching tackles,running around all over the park,rallying on his team mates was all vintage Roy Keane.Keane was an automatic choice for the captaincy when the French maestro,Eric Cantona left the club at the start of the 97/98 season.The Irish international brought almost immediate success to Man U,when he led the Red Devils to their historic treble,back in 99. Keane's disciplinary records were always a problem,his fiery temper would earn him the wrath of numerous players and referees all over the continent.I still savour his onfield duels with Patrick Vierra.
Roy Keane delivered arguably his best performance ever,in the Champions League semi-final(2nd leg) at the Del Allppi,as United played magical football to come from behind and beat Juventus.Keano scored a brilliant headed goal and also enthused great drive and determination among his mates,but the United captain picked up a second yellow card and didn't take part in that enchanting final at the Nou Camp.Though he wasn't on the field,Keane's typical agression and never say die spirit was instilled in his team mates as United clinched the Championship in the dying minutes - the European Cup came home,after 26 years,Fergie had emulated the great Sir Matt Busby.
I was absolutely gutted when a friend informed me about Keane's decision,to leave the club,on Friday.For such a high profile player like Keane it was a little too sudden,more so because he had already announced that he didn't want to stay on at United after the end of this season.The press release said that the transfer was cancelled under "mutual consent" which makes things more suspicious.Why would United want to lose their Captain Courageous,in the middle of a tough season?Has Ferguson lost faith in Keane?Or did Ferguson at all have a say in this?Considering the fact that the Glazers,have to start repaying their huge loan,off loading one of the teams expensive and most well known name,now would suit them perfectly,wouldn't it?Besides they had already hastily promised a big injection of fund,during the january tranfer window,to pacify the Old Trafford faithful,didn't they?And this would suit them perfectly,right?Besides it's always rather risky to have a straight talking,proud man like Keane as your captain...but anyone who thinks the MU TV interview was reason enough for Keane to severe all ties with the club he so dearly loved,is i think far from the truth.Man Utd and Sir Alex has dealt with,the outbursts of Roy Keane for more than a decade,and a damning(it was very much needed)interview can never be reason enough for Keane's departure!!But the person he is,Roy Keane will surely tell all,within a few days,so then we'll learn more about the biggest shock-departure in football in recent history.But Roy Keane will always find a place in every Manchester United fan's heart,"keano" chants will still be heard every now and then from the stands...an era has ended,a legend has left but i sincerely hope that United will move forward and achieve greater glories.
THANK YOU KEANO.
Friday, November 04, 2005
To pee or not to pee...
Paul Mccartney,Jerry Springer,Tom Thumb,Laloo Prasad Yadav,the average Tom,Dick or Harry and even you dear reader have been in this desperate,spine chilling,nerve-jangling,rib tickling(no sorry not that one...certainly not that)situation before.Or so i presume.Oh c'mon,don't deny it now,of course you know what i am talking bout,right?Chances are it has happened to you in a crowded bus,while in a serious board meeting,meeting your girl-friend/boy-friend in a lonely spot at the neighbourhood park- yes folks it rears it's ugly head(no pun intended,dirty minds stop thinking!)and comes upon you suddenly,when you are least suspecting.* well actualy to be honest it doesn't happen that way and you have to be a really indecisive,moronic,blundering fool(like me off course) to be caught in this potentially threatning(you bet) situation!* Yes it's that old feeling of putting your bladder muscles to the ultimate test,that makes you sweat,makes you curse,makes you pray and forces you to keep more than just an eye out,in search of the nearest loo!Yeah,now it's all coming back to you folks right,didn't i tell you that you can all relate to this post? So now that i have 'softened' you guys up with fond (who am i kidding!) memories i'll tell you all about my little hair-raising experience...
...It was a dark and stormy night [it was 7 in the evening and it really was raining! * finally i have managed to use "It was a dark and stormy night" now only "they lived happily ever after" and "Once upon a time,in a land far,far away" are left when i'll use them both,the horrid curse will be lifted from this blog and i'll have thousands of visitors here!(staring misty eyed at the distant horizon)*] and because of the stormy-night bit,i left the cofee shop in a bit of a hurry,coz i live in a land far,far away (Yeahhhh,i am on a roll)and it takes me about two hours to get there.I boarded the bus that would take me home,managed to find a seat,sat down looked out of the window,saw people getting drenched in the rain,patted my self on the back for showing rare foresight and carrying an umbrella and then settled down. Pitter...Patter...Tip...Tip...Jhom...Jhom...the rain pounded the windows as the bus crept along the slippery road...there was some thing very unsettling about the rain...it kept a constant rhythm...Pitter...Patter...it made me nervous,it made me sweat...Pitter...Patter...the water was rising,streets would soon be water logged...Pitter...Patter..."Oh My God"...it hit me then..."Jesus bloody Christ,I gotta pee!!!!"
I cursed myself and i cursed myself.I cursed myself a little more,for forgetting to use the loo at the cofee shop.Then i cursed the darned cofee and it's other liquid relatives that i had consumed throughout the evening.But soon enough i realised all the cursing would not help me in any way,i still had to pee or had to find a way to not pee before reaching home."I had ice-cream.It melts in the stomach,doesn't it?It MELTS...nooooooooo" Then i cursed a little more.The rain refused to cease,my urge to urinate refused to cease,but thankfully,at least for the timebeing,the bladder muscles refused to yield.The battle was on...i looked at my watch and calculated...it would take me another 45 minutes to reach home...the odds were against me...
...I tried to distract myself,they say, that's the first thing one should do in a situation like this.So i thought about the eventful evening i had,i thought about the wonderful friends i have,i i thought about myself and then inevitably i cursed myself.I lowered the window,the rain had eased off considerably.I looked outside and there it was,on the opposite foot path...the forbidden fruit - a public urinal...it was dirty,it reeked,it was pan-stained and it wouldn't really offer much privacy to the user,coz the sides off the cubicle were all but gone...yet it gave me hope...it drew me to itself...like video cameras drawing Paris Hilton...i shifted uneasily in the seat and thought about jumping down from the moving bus,crossing the water logged street,not to forget avoid getting hit by the onrushing traffic,and then urinating in probably the dirtiest loo in the whole goddamn city,that to infront of the lustful (ahem...there are such people you know.)eyes of random strangers..."To be,or not to be,that is the question-whether it's nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,or to take up arms against a sea of troubles,"whispered an inner voice..."Damn you inner voice,i might me indecisive and a little moronic but i am not outright stupid,all the moving,jerking and running around before reaching the urinal would be 'too much' for me!"I lifted up the window pane and shut out the world and all it's temptations.
20 odd minutes before i reach home.The bus was getting quite crowded,people getting on were drenched,water dripped from their bodies...drip...drip...i was far from comfortable and had ceased all movements a little earlier,i had that determined look in my eyes,the look that you usually associate with professional ice-hockey players,i gnashed my teeth like WWE wrestlers,i tried to forget the existential dilemma i was caught up in and tried to sing...i started to hum "Across the Universe"(why that i don't know)..."...like endless rain in a paper cup..."-it was making things worse,besides,the 'jai guru deva' chants meant,people were showering undue attention on me,which in my present predicament was not such a good idea especially if any mishaps occured,if you know what i mean.I tried to think of something funny yet impossible.( to give myself some hope,positive thinking never hurt anyone right?)So i thought about Sourav Ganguly returning to the Indian ODI side and scoring three centuries on the trot,then i got carried away as usual,i pictured him celebrating - he was wearing a red body-suit with matching red goggles in place and dancing!(much like the Oompa Loompas in Charlie and the Chocolate factory)But then it all went horribly wrong,Ganguly started singing a revised version of The Beatles number,"Why don't we do it in the road"..."Why don't you do it in the road...No one will be watching you...,"chanted the leather clad former Indian skipper,while shaking a leg,i panicked big time!
I have to get off on the next stop,so i am almost there.I stood up ( actually i was crouching forward a lot more than usual.)i was clutching my umbrella...the conductor politely asked,"Ki babu,pet baetha korche?"..."Uh huh"...i mumbled back...the bus stop was within sight...the street lights were glowing brightly...the streets were muddy...the bus slowed...i took a small shuffling step forward...1 small step for man,1 giant leap for a brimming urinary bladder...yet i got off the bus safely and showed previously unheard of resolve,to walk for 5 minutes,and finally reached home,brushed aside my mother at the gate and shot off (shuffled off,to be more precise) to the toilet.
It was a real close shave for me on that dark and stormy night,but not all can show such grit and determination in the face of such adversities,so if you want to live happily ever after (Yesssssssssssssss,kiss my ass dark lord of blogdom,the curse has been lifted,visitors will now flock to my blog,"id didididididi dai" * that was an Irish drinking song,man i love the Irish.*)sans public humiliation and nicknames like 'wet-pants Willy' always remember that,when a man's gotto 'go',he's gotta go!
So just do it!
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Look who's talking...
Oh gosh...what do i do...what do i do...quick i need to hide or something...it's finally out in the open...it's no longer a secret...they've found out that i have a split personality!!(if u thought i was gonna announce that i am a closet homo-sexual or i stalk candy shop owners in disguise...sorry i don't do those.)They are calling me...what is it...oh yeah,schizophrenic,they say.
Yes,people think that i have somesort of a disorder or maybe i do that deliberately.* this would be round about the time when you start pulling your hair out and start shouting "oh for chrissakes cut the blabbering and get to the freakin point,tell us what's wrong with you,TELL US,TELL US..."* Am i the funny man that i appear to people online or am i the boring,plain-thin-i-am-minding-my own-business-and-am-not-disturbing-you guy that i appear in real life? Well,that's the truly epoch making question that's doing the rounds in a lot of people's minds *apart from the other great queries that every one wants to make like"Does a certain outlet of Cafe Cofee Day really serve cofee for 3 bucks?" or the other evergreen favourite whether a certain Burger king outlet in Indiana sells something called 'Lal's Mal' * In fact people are so disturbed by the two radically different versions of me that even the heated debate of yore "Does 'Porno'b Mukherjee has an alter-ego?(a little 6 yr old girl,they say)" has died down.
People who know me in real life will tell you that the only things close to being funny 'bout me are my T-shirts which have 'apparently' funny messages written on them * well,it's another matter that some people think i look like a 'cute schoolboy' wearing them,but that's a story for another time.*Anyway the fact is in real life i am not funny,i can't repartee as well as i do online,i generally nod along to whatever people say and almost always have no opinion of my own.But when i prowl around the cyber-world it's like i bang my head on the keyboard 33 times before logging in and voila,that gives me exemplary wit with a bit of super-human strength(useless though) thrown in for good measure.So what is it...does my computer do all my thinking for me?...or do i keep a handy copy of the ultimate-guide-book-for-loser-jerks-in-real-life-but-wannabe-funny-guys-in-the-cyber-world ?Oh wait...is it because i deliberately fall into a cauldron full of magic potion before coming online?What is it that makes my "hmm"s and "i dunno"s and "hey don't ask me,you know i never have an opinion about anything"s into apparently funny comments and pseudo-humorous blog posts *though i must admit i have been known to 'hmm' quite often online as well*
I guess i'll have to settle for the yes-i-am-an-alien-from-outer-space reason as the most likely explanation for the split personality thing.The creepy little-thin-mumb-dumb-dude act in real life is just that-an act.It's a glorious act that i put on to deceive earthlings and collect vital information like "Do they have mayonnaise in Chicken Sandwiches?" and "do they even know what mayonnaise is or how to spell it?" Yes,i deliberately nod along to their apallingly poor plans,"Let's meet on Wednesday,at CCD." *Sheesh,they are dumb enough not to realise that it's gonna rain a LOT and spoil their plans,apparently they do have a met department,gimme a break,the next thing they'll tell you is that "we've been to the moon and back!" Earthlings i do pity them at times.**shakes head showing mock alien pity** * The fact that i am an alien trying to pass off as an earth creature explains:Why ziggetyzoo is so thin.(come on,don't you earthlings ever wonder how come one of you can be so darned thin!)It explains why ziggetyzoo has a wrong sense of dressing and is sometimes seen walking down kolkata streets decked up in a Punjabi,jeans and a pair of SNEAKERS!!! The phone...the phone(read:object that has led to numerous instances of public humiliation for the innocent owner,ziggetyzoo)i am an alien...i don't need a vibrator in a cellphone unlike petty earthlings,so i had DELIBERATELY disabled it,huh.*heaves a sigh of relief,on finally being able to come up with some cock and bull story that explains the phone.*
The shrewd alien that i am,i only show glimpses of my superior alien butt(the thing that does the thinking bits for us,i did tell u all about that,remember?)when online,and when i chat with fellow alien imposters on this planet of yours(yeah there are loads of us,most of us use the good ol' Sardarji disguise!)But sometimes i have infact mistakenly shown glimpses of my oh-so-stupendously-superior-wit to tech-savvy earthlings who have chatted with me,those i accept were rather amateaurish slipups on my part,henceforth i'll bring out my look-i-am-dumb-online-as-well act,more often.
P.S. Lately i have been maintaining this blog of mine,where i am in my alien best.Ah the flowing prose,the wit,
the incredible imagination...man am i good or what! *sticking out tiny chest region in great self-pride* I am quite sure that very few humans ever visit this blog(come on they wouldn't have the time,would they?)so the chance of a human actually reading this,deciphering my brilliantly witty post and then chasing me shouting,"Get him,he's an alien,beat him to pulp..."is 1 in 999987664353 or somesuch.But i do fear a certain no-brainer pony-tailed 'guru' of somekind and his cronies who are sueing some of my kind for having rightly exposed not so true claims made by his not so good "educational institutions".Mebbe the pony-tailed guru will figure out someday that i am not only an alien but an alien who railed him 1 sentence ago and then will be out to get me....oooh...shiver me timbers...what'll i do then...help.