Stomp

Stomp...Stomp...Stomp
Silence
"Attack...Charge...Go get them..."
Bang...clash...pow...Ouch...
"My eye,my eye"..."Why you little..."
"Lemme at 'em"
Bang...clash...pow...ouch
Stomp...Stomp...Stomp...
Arrgh...
Stomp...Stomp...Stomp...

They were so busy in their gang warfare that the ants had little time to react to the size 10 boot.Tim walked on,leaving a trail of dead or dying ants.

But talk:The rise of the butt or " mano e mano with my brain-Part 2"

...suddenly that yuckky mouth(i guess)of my brain opened and it started speaking.*the situation was very much like the hindi films where the hero despite being riddled by bullets delivers the one last emotional speech* It was a tad odd i guess speaking to my brain or rather being spoken to by my brain,lying on the ground.
Brain:Who may i ask is your replacement?Please don't tell me u've got the beta version of the new T100 model!(the T100 incidentally is a result of the two brainware giants Brainolux and Brainolia coming together in a new 5 year deal that has surely taken the Brainworld and humans by surprise.)
Me:I didn't get another brain,it cost's a lot to do that. *Rather surprisingly it costs even more than getting a boob job.So now you know why a struggling Pam A,went for option B rather than A!And man did she ever make a right decision or what?(Even the guys who need new brains nod along to this question,talk about a question being rhetorical!)* I am gonna use my butt as my new brain!(you knew it all along didn't you?Damned smart-ass readers *grumble grumble*)
Stunned silence
Stunned silence continues
Brain:What the @#$!%^&##^,your ass!Hahahahahaha
Me:Laugh all you want buster,but my ass is already showing it's true potential.It's thinking way better than you ever did,infact it has already learnt that As You Like It wasn't just about lesbos, it was about one happy camping trip/orgy where a whole lot of people found their true love/partners.* reminds you of all the low budget outdoor porn movies that you've secretly watched,doesn't it?Now you know who to thank.*
Beat that,my butt is special.
Brain:But...But...this can't be happening,butts can't think.
Me:Well mine can and maybe other butts can as well(??????)So you and your kind's days are numbered,i tell you mister. *Muhahahahahah-sinister comic book villain kind of laugh*
Brain:Nooooooooooooooooooh
My butt:*snigger snigger*
My ex brain took 2 1/2 minutes to crawl out of the room and disappeared to where ever fired brains belonging to ex morons go to. *speculations are rife amongst my friends brains that my ex-brain went to a bar where loser brains go to(they think the bar is called Oli-pub)and got dead drunk and later on hooked up with a loser Bollywood actress's brain(speculations about who the actress might be is the latest gossip topic among all brains of Kolkata-so that explains all the sudden headaches you've been having!And you always blamed it on the innocent mosquitoes.Tut tut)*

So people i am pleased to announce that my stupid brain has left me and my butttocks are in full control of my thinking.(Note:My butt appears to be a very competant multi-tasker as it is continuing it's regular job,the one that all butts do!!)People who know me can henceforth expect to see my grades shooting up,mind boggling goals on the football field and a little less ogling on the roads.And do remember that sudden kicks to my buttocks and even butt-talks like "Go Kick Ass" can result in temporary amnesia for me,while frequent 'contacts' with the CCD couches will help me think better.

P.S. The fact that my butt is a brilliant thinker and the fact that it helps me to come up with stuff that brains can't is proved by this post,which i must say,my butt came up with and not my brains coz i don't have any,remember?

P.P.S This is just in folks-apparently i am not the only one with a 'brainy butt',the QM who-must-not-be-named-on-this-blog-coz-too-many-people-have-already-abused-him-in-their-respective-blogs but whose name when pronounced very fast might sound quite a bit like 'PORNO' and a certain part-time waiter at a Burger king outlet at Indiana,have also been reported to have displayed unusual thinking capabilities which can only be attributed to their butts! So i am in illustrious company. Butts rule!! Glory! Glory!

Note:Did you guys get the pun in the Title-But talks? Did you? Did you? *Capering around excitedly like a school kid who knows the answer to a 'Porno' question*

But talk:mano e mano with my brain-Part 1

Plummeting grades,people calling me a moron(usually they do it behind my back but now they are openly calling me a moron,what nerve!),scoring one goal in a whole bloody season of playing football at JU(Do not,i repeat DO NOT listen to people who are going around telling every one else that the one goal was an own goal!)My life was heading exactly where my parents always knew it would go.I had to do something drastic.I did what i presume most people always do in desperate times as this.Nope,i didn't attempt suicide,infact i think only loser's commit suicide.* Note-(drumrolls in the background begin...)People a social awareness message was just passed in this blog.Since the probability of that happening again is two-to-the-power-of-infinity-minus-one to one against,you might as well break open that bubbly you had been saving for the right moment to celebrate.* So instead of attempting suicide i decided to have a chat with my long forgotten friend-Brain!Here's how the tete-tete went:
Me(that is all my body parts sans my brain):Hulo brain,long time no see?
Brain:Blimey didn't expect to see you anytime soon.
Me:Well,guess what buster,i am here and i need some answers now.(i've always wanted to say that,but i've always pictured myself holding a double-barrelled gun*sigh*)
Brain:Is this about my falling asleep during that quiz thingy?
Me:that and a lot more.You've got a lot of expaining to do:the plummeting grades,the incessant chants of "Moron,Moron" or the less creative"Jeez,what a moron!"
Brain:But they always did that,didn't they?
Me:What 'bout my appaling soccer performances and you almost got me killed this morning.
Brain:Can't a brain have a little rest sometime!
Me:Bloody hell,brains don't rest,brains don't complain,brains are supposed to work all the bloody time,don't you get it.I don't see any other brains resting or complaining around here.
Brain: Whatdya know of brains you ain't no brainiac!
Me:That's it,you are out of here,you are fired! *i really can pull off my Trump imitation pretty well.*
Brain:You can't fire me,with out me you'd be as brainless as Dubya!
Me:What's the use of a ruddy brain if i have to depend on a certain friend's jhola(fellow Judeans of UG II the pun is very much intended) to pass exams!And..and what kind of a brain get's it's owner labelled a moron,huh?
Brain :Come on i did my best in the exams.
Me:For Gods sake,you thought Measure for Measure was a tailoring handbook.And you made me write that Shakespeare wrote As You Like It to prove that lesbians existed in the 17th century as well
Brain:Ah.....that was fun,wasn't it?
Me:No wonder people are calling me a moron ever since. *sniffle sniffle*
Brain:But my quick thinking and great vision helped you execute those great cross-field passes,in the football ground,remember?
Me:Great vision!!!! It isn't exactly difficult to pick out people who wear pink hot pants(with Spank Me imprinted on the back)or people who wear formals(without any Spank Me or somesuch thing printed on the butt region)on the football field and frantically wave their limbs around,shouting "ball ta samne bara na shala!!"
Brain:But i know a lot of things that other brains don't.
Me:Give me one good reason why you should remember the number of times Homer Simpson belched in episode 33 of season 7 of The Simpsons!You were bloody useless in the quiz!
Brain:Come on the QM was He-who-must- not-be-named-on-this-blog-coz-too-many-people-have-already-abused-him-in-their-respective blogs,every participants brain either goes off to sleep or thinks of various ways of killing the said QM while simultaneously trying to count backwards from 1001.
Me:Anyway after you almost got me killed and sent me to hell(after last thursday's incident and the obvious signs that i am getting ever since like walking into cofee shops where people are requesting me to pay 5 bucks so that they can listen to Highway to Hell,which they say is their favourite song*beware of thursdays and cofee shops*,i am sure i am going to hell)i can't live with you anymore.Why did you switch yourself off...i was trying to cross the road for Gossakes!
Brain:I didn't switch off,i only made you ogle at the PYT across the road.Jeez,you are 18,single and moronic i was only trying to help you,man!
Me:Thankfully the approching bus's driver wasn't ogling at anyone.* wait a minute,the driver had his eyes on the road ahead and i was the only object on that road ahead,so could he have been ogling at me? Nooooooooooooh *
Brain:Why would good old,Tapan da ogle at anyone,the man's impotent.
Me:*huge sigh of relief*
Me:See this is where you surprise me-you thought that Laertes was spelt 'Laortes' but you know the name of some obscure impotent bus driver!!Get a life brain
Brain:*Smirks,while puffing out his chest(if brains have chests that is.)*
Me:Anyway as i said,i don't need you anymore,i have got a replacement,you may leave.
Brain:FINE
My brain stormed out of my head,plopped to the ground and started to crawl over the dusty floor...it gave one last look at me,obvious feelings of hurt and anger was visible on his yuckky little face...

Cesare

Daddy are you going down to aunt Betty's place to bring back Cesare,today?

Dear,haven't we just arrived back from our vacation,i am tired honey,i'll bring Cesare back tomorrow.

I missed him so much,daddy.

We all did dear,but he is probably having real fun at your Aunt Betty's place.I'll tell you what,we'll all go down to your aunt's place and bring him back tommorow,ok dear?

Oh thanks daddy.

Time for bed now,goodnight dear.

goodnight daddy.

Trring...Trring...

Hello?

It's Betty,so have you told her about Cesare yet?


I just had a talk with the vet,it was heart failure alright.



epilogue:A friend of mine has just lost his dog,Cesare.Also a friendly dog who used to roam around the corridors of our department,died on his way to the hospital,today.It had a nasty wound which i guess had got infected.

Davy jones vs 'The MONSTER' -Round 1

Em...ahem...no you aren't hallucinating,i am back(this is where u say"about time too!!") and this indeed is a post and certainly not a figment of your imagination.
I guess i have some real heavy duty explaining to do,about my rather long hiatus.Well what happened was:u see i was being chased by a large blogger-eating monster(read-my DAD!)who was really,really pissed off with me for raking up a telephone bill over 5 and a 1/2 grands in the very first month of the advent BSNL's brilliant(#$%!&^*) broadband scheme into my humble abode.Thus to escape from this furious monster's rage i was on the run(read- access to computer was cut off)
Note:previous battle experiences with the monster hadthe informed me about his strong upper body strength and his special weapon-an extremely hard slap.So u can understand why i was on the run and why i didn't challenge him to an epic battle or somesuch.
Now that the monster's rage has subsided quite a bit *touchwood* i have crept up to my PC again *quick sidelong glances confirms that monster is not around* So now it seems i'll continue with my original plan of dishing out the daily dose of trash(muhahaha).But those who had patiently waited for God knows how many months,waiting for 'Davy Jones' to tell them a little more about himself,thanks for the initial bit of patience that u showed & also thanks *grumble grumble*to those souls who personally told me such heart-warming stuff like"Dhur shala,post-fost korbi na,roj erokom gali khabi?"
But about the "lemme tell you a few more things about myself"bit could we please forget that?I really don't feel like rambling on about my sorry self especially with the monster lurking around the house.So may be we can do that intro/facts about myself bit some time later ok?For now satisfy your curiosity by going through my profile.(as if that's gonna happen any time soon...)
By the way if any of you thought that all the above mentioned crap about the 'monster' and mythical,rarely seen organisations like BSNL and the rest were all crap which i made up to cover for me lazyness and for forgetting all about my blog you are a long,really long way from the truth! *whew that was close,hope these suckers will fall for it.*Oh wait i wasn't supposed to write thaaaaaaaa.........aargh...being attacked by the monster again...information about strong upper body strength certainly is true...aargh...