Look who's talking...

Oh gosh...what do i do...what do i do...quick i need to hide or something...it's finally out in the open...it's no longer a secret...they've found out that i have a split personality!!(if u thought i was gonna announce that i am a closet homo-sexual or i stalk candy shop owners in disguise...sorry i don't do those.)They are calling me...what is it...oh yeah,schizophrenic,they say.
Yes,people think that i have somesort of a disorder or maybe i do that deliberately.* this would be round about the time when you start pulling your hair out and start shouting "oh for chrissakes cut the blabbering and get to the freakin point,tell us what's wrong with you,TELL US,TELL US..."* Am i the funny man that i appear to people online or am i the boring,plain-thin-i-am-minding-my own-business-and-am-not-disturbing-you guy that i appear in real life? Well,that's the truly epoch making question that's doing the rounds in a lot of people's minds *apart from the other great queries that every one wants to make like"Does a certain outlet of Cafe Cofee Day really serve cofee for 3 bucks?" or the other evergreen favourite whether a certain Burger king outlet in Indiana sells something called 'Lal's Mal' * In fact people are so disturbed by the two radically different versions of me that even the heated debate of yore "Does 'Porno'b Mukherjee has an alter-ego?(a little 6 yr old girl,they say)" has died down.
People who know me in real life will tell you that the only things close to being funny 'bout me are my T-shirts which have 'apparently' funny messages written on them * well,it's another matter that some people think i look like a 'cute schoolboy' wearing them,but that's a story for another time.*Anyway the fact is in real life i am not funny,i can't repartee as well as i do online,i generally nod along to whatever people say and almost always have no opinion of my own.But when i prowl around the cyber-world it's like i bang my head on the keyboard 33 times before logging in and voila,that gives me exemplary wit with a bit of super-human strength(useless though) thrown in for good measure.So what is it...does my computer do all my thinking for me?...or do i keep a handy copy of the ultimate-guide-book-for-loser-jerks-in-real-life-but-wannabe-funny-guys-in-the-cyber-world ?Oh wait...is it because i deliberately fall into a cauldron full of magic potion before coming online?What is it that makes my "hmm"s and "i dunno"s and "hey don't ask me,you know i never have an opinion about anything"s into apparently funny comments and pseudo-humorous blog posts *though i must admit i have been known to 'hmm' quite often online as well*
I guess i'll have to settle for the yes-i-am-an-alien-from-outer-space reason as the most likely explanation for the split personality thing.The creepy little-thin-mumb-dumb-dude act in real life is just that-an act.It's a glorious act that i put on to deceive earthlings and collect vital information like "Do they have mayonnaise in Chicken Sandwiches?" and "do they even know what mayonnaise is or how to spell it?" Yes,i deliberately nod along to their apallingly poor plans,"Let's meet on Wednesday,at CCD." *Sheesh,they are dumb enough not to realise that it's gonna rain a LOT and spoil their plans,apparently they do have a met department,gimme a break,the next thing they'll tell you is that "we've been to the moon and back!" Earthlings i do pity them at times.**shakes head showing mock alien pity** * The fact that i am an alien trying to pass off as an earth creature explains:Why ziggetyzoo is so thin.(come on,don't you earthlings ever wonder how come one of you can be so darned thin!)It explains why ziggetyzoo has a wrong sense of dressing and is sometimes seen walking down kolkata streets decked up in a Punjabi,jeans and a pair of SNEAKERS!!! The phone...the phone(read:object that has led to numerous instances of public humiliation for the innocent owner,ziggetyzoo)i am an alien...i don't need a vibrator in a cellphone unlike petty earthlings,so i had DELIBERATELY disabled it,huh.*heaves a sigh of relief,on finally being able to come up with some cock and bull story that explains the phone.*
The shrewd alien that i am,i only show glimpses of my superior alien butt(the thing that does the thinking bits for us,i did tell u all about that,remember?)when online,and when i chat with fellow alien imposters on this planet of yours(yeah there are loads of us,most of us use the good ol' Sardarji disguise!)But sometimes i have infact mistakenly shown glimpses of my oh-so-stupendously-superior-wit to tech-savvy earthlings who have chatted with me,those i accept were rather amateaurish slipups on my part,henceforth i'll bring out my look-i-am-dumb-online-as-well act,more often.

P.S. Lately i have been maintaining this blog of mine,where i am in my alien best.Ah the flowing prose,the wit,
the incredible imagination...man am i good or what! *sticking out tiny chest region in great self-pride* I am quite sure that very few humans ever visit this blog(come on they wouldn't have the time,would they?)so the chance of a human actually reading this,deciphering my brilliantly witty post and then chasing me shouting,"Get him,he's an alien,beat him to pulp..."is 1 in 999987664353 or somesuch.But i do fear a certain no-brainer pony-tailed 'guru' of somekind and his cronies who are sueing some of my kind for having rightly exposed not so true claims made by his not so good "educational institutions".Mebbe the pony-tailed guru will figure out someday that i am not only an alien but an alien who railed him 1 sentence ago and then will be out to get me....oooh...shiver me timbers...what'll i do then...help.

Armed with the bare 'kathamo' and a fistful of colourful memories,the year long wait begins...Asche bochor abar hobe. 

Salvaging the bare 'kathamo'. 

Bhashan 

Bidayee Boron(Dashami Morning) 

Sondhi pujor Aroti 

Sondhi Pujo 

Yup...that's a white tiger instead of the customary 'singho'...amader barir pujor age old tradition. 

Pujo 05

Amader Barir Thakur. 

There's something about Ashtami morning...

8:30- Yeah...Ashtami morning!!!!Panjabi pore anjali dite hobe...ki moja ki moja!! I jumped out of bed,really excited. (It totally beats me! I don't even like wearing panjabis and i don't particularly like waking up early for anything let alone anjali , but there is something about Ashtami morning...)

8:45-"kintu tui ghumochillish toh.seijonne dakini!"My aunt calmly explains that i overslept and have missed the anjali!!!(Again for some unexplained reason i feel really sad for having missed the anjali.What is it about Ashtami morning...*scratching head and gazing into the distant horizon...until bitten by a stray ant emerging from somewhere within the keyboard.*

9:00-"arre tui toh ekhono Nabami r anjali/sondhi pujor anjali ta dite parbi..."Aunt makes another casual remark,resulting in my jumping out of the bed again,really excited again.

9:20-"Arre bhai anjali toh ek khuni sesh hoye gelo.Aeto pore ele hobe!" This important looking guy at the neighbouring pandal informs.*the guy definitely had a i-got-the-last-orange-popsicle-and-you didn't-get-any kind of smile on his face.*I considered the pros and cons of showing him a rude hand gesture but decided against it.But i was very pissed off and sad(missing an Ashtami anjali i never thought such a day would come...)

9-30-"Achha,eta amar choto mashir chele..."Returning from pandal without being allowed to give anjali and meeting a complete stranger(but rather hot looking lady) in the drawing room,that was certainly uexpected.Hence i blurted out "whatever!" as my dada's(eldest cousin's) new girlfriend said "hello" to me.Needless to say the roomfull of mashis,meshos and the solitary mama glared at me at the same time sushhhhing my "whatever" and forcing out a "Hi,pleased to meet you..." out of me.

9:31-12:00-"Ta ma,tomar baba ki koren?"(Inquizitive 85 year old dadu) "Tomar naam ta toh khub shundor..."(the solitary mama's solitary wife) "Hehe...haha...hihi...ohhohoho"(everyone in the room,reacting to the eldest cousin's afore mentioned 'woman friend's' silly-as-Sidhu joke.) "Tumi illish maach khao toh?"(a certain anxious looking mashi who had the responsibility of cooking for the day's 'special' lunch) "O khub bhalo nachteo pare."(the eldest cousin revealing yet another feature of his new aquisition,resting all doubts to who the alpha-male in the room might be.) "nah..nah..ami emon kichu bhalo naachte parina....ekhon toh kono motei naachte parbo na...hnhnhnhna" (the centre of attraction showing her 'lajuk'ness making everyone in the room go "ahhhhhhhh".*the chocolate melting in your mouth kind of ahhhhhhh not the my-head -is-on-fire kind of ahhhhhhh*The quick looks exchanged by the mama,the meshos,mashis and dadu confirms that the eldest cousin might have finally struck gold and she could be the one,the chosen one,the one that'll save us all,banish demons and cook mutton biryani with equal ease.*alright,alright i got a little carried away,so what,i bet she really can cook mutton biryani,huh!*)

12:30-"Illish maachta darun hoyeche..."(Cousin's girlfriend spotting the mashi who had cooked the fish.Scores a lot of points with mashi as she smiles and dumps another illish maach on the girlfriend's plate.Something about dieting and staying slim is mentioned softly,by the 'guest' but is drowned by second mashis hollering of,"ebar chicken ta tomay di?Eta kintu ami korechi." )

1:15-Lunch finally finished.Eldest cousin and his 'girl' make a grand exit but not before 'she' promises everyone for the umpteenth time that she's gonna come again on another day when her back is a lot better and will dance. *Eldest cousin looked really pleased with the day's work
until the time dadu started talking to his 'friend' about how they had to use khata paikhana's when they were younger!*

1:30-Postmortem starts. Amidst most of the blah-blah i get snippets like,"dekhte toh kharap na."..."ager tar theke onek bhalo"..."baba ta bank er manager."..."illish maach khete bhalobashe jokhon bhaloi hobe,ki bolish?"...
I try to concentrate on the illish maach on my plate.


P.S. After the duo left us they were caught on tape near Ekdalia Evergreen,thanks to Star Ananda,the much sought after publicity bit was taken care of,as the mama and the mashis scampered off to let the neighbours know,ensuring that the whole neighbourhood tuned into Star Ananda.I am quite certain that this will result in speculations and rumours being formed in every household of the para that the elder cousin is getting married to "je meyetar saathe Pujor somoy ghurchilo,nah..." this December.